Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Three months clean

It has now been three months since I got off all my medications. I mean all my medications. I now take absolutely nothing on a regular basis. I am as pure as I can be, and have been, since about the age of 15.

It has been...hard.

A few things that have changed for me:

I have emotions now.
I know this sounds like a stupid thing to say because I'm human and should have emotions...but really, I had very little feelings about most things I did, previously. Things were still exciting or happy...but pretty much anything outside the realm of neutral didn't register. It allowed me to become hyper logical and stay out of the pits that so many people seem to dig themselves into.

No more. Rationality still exists but there are no bars on my emotions anymore. I get filled with such delight and appreciation for beauty now, about the simplest things. I was watching a Blue Planet documentary about the ocean and could not contain my absolute heartfelt feelings about something as mundane (and yet excellent) as a certain species of squid going to shore to mate, lay eggs, then go back down to the deep. No creatures died, nothing was sacrificed...I didn't even see the babies hatch in this particular segment. But the beauty of it was awe-inspiring and that confused me. What a wonderful place we live.

Then there is the not so pleasant other side of emotions. Reactive feelings of extreme irritation and impatience. Anger, like no one's business. I would like to say still that generally speaking I am a positive and happy person, but man when negative feelings take me over, they take me over hard. And even though logically I know this is stupid or unhelpful, I cannot help but feel these feelings course through me, and I have very little control over them. Only in how I act on the outside, which sometimes matches and other times, more successfully, not.

So now I understand what all these people have been talking about for so long. My god the emotions. Great but also terrible.

I really enjoy food again.
One of the biggest side effects of being on an anti-seizure medication is having complete control over how you feel about food. You don't feel like eating when you're not hungry, and despite things tasting good, they don't taste good enough for you to continue beyond reason.

Again, no longer. I am returning to my normal body shape (this is also to do with settling for a little while in London, I have no doubt) and feel great about it. I look like an almost-30 year old woman now instead of a bony teenager. Well, as much as I can, given my genes. I think people react better to this; I've noticed how thin people make others uncomfortable. Really it's true; think about how many times you look at a super thin girl and have thoughts versus looking at a normal-sized person. I don't want that kind of attention and so it is shifting away from me. I also have started to wonder if people were staring because I just looked unhealthy.

Anyway, I enjoy food again and sometimes I eat now, even when I'm not hungry. Food tastes really really good.

I feel creative.
Again, maybe a silly thing to say because of my scrimshaw tendencies and other things, but now I'm much more about crafting and colors, learning and doing more things than just what is necessary (scrimshaw was a means to an end, really: making gifts for those I loved in a way that I could do).

Now I have several craft projects going on at home. I'm painting champagne and bottle corks into mushrooms, I learned to knit on my birthday and am now making a hideous scarf, I have little self-improvement and home-improvement projects in a list on my phone. Cooking is a complete joy again.

I also find it a lot easier to see things, to start crafts. The painted mushrooms projects came completely out of nowhere as I was staring at the cork of my large Patron silver bottle and suddenly saw it as I have now made it. It was perfect, and I felt compelled to do it. I have no idea what I am going to do with them after I've finished, but I felt it had to be done.

Exercise has taken a back seat.
As it should for someone who can get manic about things. But really, I feel a lot less interested in going to the gym and just working out. I do sometimes still, of course, because I believe in physical fitness and health, but it's no longer a compulsion. Or at least I try to let it not be.

I'm returning to things like yoga and classes, where it's not all up to me to have the motivation. I simply don't have it anymore. I'd rather walk the mile from Ealing Broadway to my home and get my exercise that way than simply run on a treadmill.

I get bored now, when exercising. It's simply not interesting unless I have something actively happening. My mind has a much harder time concentrating and just getting the task done.

Same goes for work.
As much as I still enjoy my team and my office and the culture, I find myself a lot less interested in work. My mind wanders, I find things I've done before boring rather than comfortably repetitious. I find myself finding excuses not to be around anymore if there really is no need. Gone is the busy bee that feels the need to stay ridiculous hours in the office. This is likely because I know my limits here too, there is a sense of comfortable familiarity.

I'd like to think of this as working smarter instead of harder. My boss certainly seems to think so; she doesn't mind my flexible schedule at all and has consistently commented on my continued excellent work.

I'm no longer an early riser.
Mornings are now considerably more painful for me. I like sleeping in and getting up at the mid-morning times (8am-9:30am). Before getting up really early was no big deal, I'd suddenly be wide awake and ready to go.

No more. In fact I've slept past 10am a few times lately and it felt like glory rather than horrible.

I have a feeling this is tied to the fact that I'm not exercising as much and eating more now, but I feel like this is how things should be. Not bare minimum sleep and still wide awake, but actually being able to see the effects of less sleep and more food, less exercise. Instead of a consistent energizer bunny.

Embracing my inner dork.
This likely has to do with finally settling my score with Don and feeling I can be myself without ridicule (or a level of ridicule I'm okay with accepting), but still changed, all the same. I feel great about dorky shows I watch, ridiculous clothes I wear (really, all the colors and patterns in the world make me happy, no more of this monochrome business that Londoners seem to love so much). I wear silly shoes and feel great about it. Colors, accessories, pretty things. Pretty things make me so happy now. And crafting, crafting makes me happy.

I like writing again...to myself.
Naturally this blog has gone by the wayside, but I've actually kicked up journal-writing again. I used to do this everyday, religiously. Over the last few years it took a serious dive. Again, more likely to do with life circumstances than anything else but all the same, I can now write to myself again and feel good about it. Not just bored.

And now for some of the not as nice.
My balance has really started to go, as is the stereotype for migraine sufferers. I feel unsteady sometimes and I've never had problems with my balance before. When I was in Wales for my birthday and we were crossing some rocky patches (these were extreme rock patches), though I was wearing sandals that were wrong for the occasion, my balance was so bad I could barely move forward. Olive had to come back and let me use his arm as a guide. I had very little control. I think this also has to do with the amount of weight I've lost over the years and the resulting negative effects of that.

I've had consistent and persistent pains in my neck. I think something is swollen back there and for now it just means discomfort and an inability to turn in all directions. I've gotten it checked out once by a useless doctor and so I am going back again tomorrow morning to get it checked by my real, and faithfully intelligent, doctor. I am hoping she has a better suggestion or cure than "take two ibuprofen a day and it'll be fine." Thank you, Doctor #1 that is extremely unhelpful and is not treating the problem.

I feel more impulsive and it's harder to control things, just in general. This goes with buying things, thinking things, reacting to things. Less control, more all-controlling from somewhere within.

...but really, at the end of the day, I am much happier with how things are now. I feel things and this is supposed to be good. The highs are much higher but the lows also much lower. I think someone once said something about how life is only worth living if you can really feel it.

Well I do now. I'm just like every other human. So I'll continue my journey, with its extreme goods and bads.

Wish me luck, this is going to take some more time to adjust to. :)

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