Thursday, June 7, 2012

The faux Big Mac

Another late-night snack attack and despite my thinking I would be going to McDonalds by default, my friend Canadian M surprised me by showing me the secret entrance to a Hesburger that is actually open late! 

"Holy cow!" I exclaimed as we walked down the bus terminal stairs. I wondered how many opportunities I had missed in eating the Nacho Grande when instead I had been snarfing the less-than-par Nacho Jr. or the still-delicious-yet-painfully-overpriced McChicken. The answer: none.

Unfortunately, despite being open later, this Hesburger was extremely limited in choice. It offered none of the seasonal specialties of its brother store above ground. I was disappointed. But, not wanting to walk the 20 yards to McDonalds and accept defeat, I decided to continue my exploration of the Hesburger menu, and promptly ordered something I had seen in an ad on the way in: the competitor to the Big Mac. Or, as they so quaintly called it, "Megahampurilainen."

Now, since I didn't actually order this myself (like I didn't say the words), I can only give a painful stab at how it's pronounced, but I'm guessing it's something along the lines of, "mega-ham-purr-ee-lai-nen." Which as you guys could probably guess, translates to "mega hamburger." Not exactly the most creative name, but, well, it is mega compared to their normal burgers, so, I guess it's appropriate.

I was kind of excited at this point, expecting my burger to be a delicious Finnish version of the Big Mac. I mean, just look at it! Double patties, secret sauce plus other sauces...I take no particular credit for this slang, but I will definitely say that generally speaking I'm a sauce boss, so...this burger looked pretty much up my alley.

And then it arrived. Pretty well-dressed too. Just look at its beautiful assembly:


Unfortunately the quality only extended as far as its looks. Despite being gorgeous on the outside, the inside was a mess.

While being eaten, it fell apart as soon as I took my first bite. My love of sauce, it appears, has its faults. Landslides of lettuce poured out from all slides, sauce covering my hands and then the wrapper I had so smartly placed on the table. I was barely able to keep enough in the burger to keep it crunchy. Had I been eating by myself I would have eaten it all and put it back in, but, I was with company, so...

Anyway, back to the taste. Not at all like the Big Mac. Despite looking similar, the flavors were all wrong. It was like mayonnaise mixed with chipotle cream. Confusing at best. A good attempt, I will say, but not good enough. This, mixed with a slice of American cheese, was the last straw. I was hungry when I started, but about halfway through I could scarce get it down. I actually had to slow my already-slow eating to finish.

It wasn't gross, by any means, just not what I expected. And in having that expectation not met, I was disappointed. Here is a rundown of what is actually inside, just for the record:
  • two hamburger patties
  • three buns (two layers of hamburgerness)
  • lettuce
  • tomato
  • slice of cheese
  • special sauce (with the strange spices in it...tasted like chili powder at least)
  • Finn mayo (tastes like mayo with relish in it)
  • slice of cucumber (according to the website...didn't even notice that when I was eating it)
  • bread and butter pickles (pleasant surprise)
Although not terrible, probably not something I will be ordering again. I guess there always needs to be that one thing on the menu you don't like. This was it.

Next menu item in my Hesburger sights: weird Mexican wrap seasonal item. Same mustachioed sombrero man in the ad, and looks like similar ingredients to the Nacho Grande...but no nacho in the name (therefore, not as appealing). But still interested. Question: will it meet expectations? To be determined!

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